Staying On the Funny Side of Potty Breaks
Posted on August 13, 2008
Why do women go to the bathroom in pairs?
For starters...
You need someone to talk to in line about how you can\'t believe she wore that dreadful thing out of the house, that he had the nerve to tell that joke, how shocked you are that she has put on all that weight since you saw her last, can you believe the price of red bell pepper, and that this morning you found a lump. And even though you just met her, she will understand.
You need her to affirm that the waiter did in fact wink at you at the salad bar, and that you didn\'t have that much bread - those were little pieces after all - and that it would be better to start the diet tomorrow - and that it was only a small glass of wine, everybody slurs on occasion. And she\'ll tell you the lump is probably nothing.
You need someone to stand beside you when you look in the mirror and chastise yourself at how fat you\'ve gotten so she can adamantly protest and tell you it\'s only the lighting and wherever did you get that precious vest, whereupon in three seconds you give her a rundown of the store, the exact moment you purchased it, the feeling you got when you saw it, and what it cost down to the penny.
You need somebody to help look under the doors for feet, to stand in front of the inevitable door that never fully closes, and someone to hold your purse, coat, cell phone, umbrella, half-eaten popcorn, and diet Coke.
There won\'t be any toilet paper so you need someone to hand you some from underneath and comment on how disgraceful that a restroom would not have any toilet paper, and those shoes are just precious, did you find them the same day you found the vest?
You need someone to show you how to use the automatic sink, hand you a paper towel, roll eyes with at the lady who didn\'t wash her hands, and tell you that the back of your hair has a flat spot in it.
You need someone with you when you run into your ex-boyfriend\'s wife, so you can hear that you are definitely prettier.
You need someone to make sure you don\'t have lipstick on your teeth, toilet paper on your shoe, or any sort of wardrobe malfunction that wasn\'t planned. And before you walk out, you need her to look you in the eyes and tell you that everything is going to be okay.
And, finally, you need someone to smile smugly at over dinner because now you\'ve shared one of the rituals that make us women and turns strangers into friends. And that\'s why we go to the restroom in pairs.
I think the real question should be why do men go alone?
Kelly Swanson
\r Staying on the funny side...
\r http://www.kellyswanson.net
\r kelly@kellyswanson.net
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